Reserved Seating: 2018 Holiday Gift Guide

by Adam Riske and Rob DiCristino
Singin’ in the Rain sloth shower curtain. I imagine the pitch meeting for this being: “It’s funny because it’s a sloth and there were no sloths in Singin’ in the Rain! Isn’t it crazy that there’s a sloth pretending to be Gene Kelly? Isn’t classic film weird???” This is the perfect gift to give to the movie lover in your life who made you the scapegoat because FilmStruck is gone. With a Singin’ in the Rain sloth shower curtain you’re saying “I’ve been keeping score and I know what will hurt you.”
Boondock Saints Black Ice Prayer Zippo Lighter. Currently ranked #355 among Lighters on Amazon.com, this little number can be bought together in a bundle with wick and flint cards and a generous helping of lighter fluid for only $41.86! Only buy this for someone who really loves film.

Rob:
Casino Royale prop chips (Don’t forget to tip your dealer an insultingly small amount!) straight from the Montenegrin poker tables. Blast your way into a Soviet missile silo in style with this limited edition Omega Commander watch (only $1,828)! Round things out with a Universal Exports hoodie and an autographed photo of Diamonds Are Forever star Jill St. John! Tuxedo and misogyny not included.
Star Wars: The Last Jedi! Wear it ironically to show Film Twitter just how tired you are of the corporate hegemony co-opting your childhood for merchandising purposes. Star Wars used to be underground. It used to be punk rock. It used to mean something. Now it’s just a toy commercial for idiot kids, right? That’s definitely the right cultural hill to die on, right? That Ewoks were always geared toward adults? That C-3P0 wasn’t problematic until the Prequels? Act now, and we’ll include a DVD-R of that Last Jedi: Defeminized Edit.
NICE: One more to go! This last one’s for those really, really tough customers. Those impossible-to-buy-for relatives who will hate almost anything they open no matter what it is. The newest Blu-ray? They already have it. This week’s best-selling novel? They already read it. A festive sack of holiday pistachios? They’re allergic. Why not cut to the chase and fill the biggest box you can find with $260,000 worth of fake movie prop money? According to the manufacturer, it’s been used in “hundreds of major motion pictures, TV shows, music videos, commercials, and top social media pages”! Why do social media people have fake money on their pages? Don’t worry about it! You know what? Throw the pistachios in, anyway! That’ll teach them to ask questions!

Adam: Next week we’ll be back with our next installment in the All Pacino series covering 1995’s Michael Mann crime saga, Heat. Until next time…

Rob: These seats are reserved. Happy holidays, everyone!

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